In the midst of a busy life of dealing with our many responsibilities, it can be hard to connect to that part of you that knows what it’s like to be carefree and has a desire to focus only on fun, playing and laughing.
When I think back to myself as a child, teenager, and young adult I was literally up for anything at the drop of a hat; if there was a party or an opportunity to go on a sleepover or if there was an impromptu gathering of any kind I always grabbed it with both hands. It’s possible that you were the same and would have been more likely to embrace spontaneity in your life when you were younger. Unplanned occasions are often the best and most memorable. spontaneous thursday
When we become adults it usually becomes harder to find that spontaneity especially if we are tired from long hours at work, family responsibilities or if we are dealing with stress or personal issues. Our lives can become a strict routine with little leeway for us to deviate from the things we need to do.
Last Thursday, I had the joy of being invited not to one but to two impromptu gatherings that literally did come out of the blue. The first was through one of Luca’s pals – his lovely Brazilian minder decided to make a Halloween cake and have a few of the kids from his class over. I had planned on the normal hockey pick-up followed by homework so was delighted to have an excuse to break the routine. The second was from one of my very good friends who texted me at lunchtime to say “I know it’s a bit fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants but are you free for supper tonight?” This friend of mine is one of those people we all need in our lives; she is a positive beacon of light and embraces all that life has to offer. She had decided to start a supper club gathering of people she doesn’t know very well in order to get to know them better. All of a sudden, my Thursday was looking a hell of a lot more fun than I had thought it would be! I felt that giddy child in me being reawakened and I welcomed both opportunities to connect to that part of me that definitely needs more air-time.
If you get a chance to create or bring spontaneity into your life, please do! Often it is the most important things in our lives that we leave till last on our long to-do lists; seeing friends, spending time with family and just having a good old belly laugh is therapy for the soul. That is not to say we should ignore our responsibilities, but instead to find a balance to make sure that they don’t become all we give our precious attention to. Regret is an extremely hard pill to swallow and one of the five top regrets of the dying is “I wish I had let myself be happier.” Let’s work together to make sure that doesn’t happen to us! Enjoy your bank holiday Monday – the perfect chance for spontaneity.
“We will go out into the world and plant gardens and orchards to the horizons. We will build roads through the mountains and across the deserts and irrigate the deserts until there will be gardens everywhere and plenty for all. And there will be no more empires or kingdoms…No more slavery, no more property and no more taxes, no more rich and no more poor, no killing or maiming or torture, or execution, no more jailers, no more prisoners, no more armies, no more navies …No more suffering than what life brings us from having to be born and having to die. And then we will see what kind of creatures we really are.”
Indian Raja- 19th Century- on how to increase the infrastructure in Indiacreate your own utopia
A lot of my work is based on the positive psychology movement which has a simple basic principle – by focusing on what is good and positive in our lives we go beyond surviving to reach a place where we are thriving. Martin Seligman, the father of the movement, is something of a hero of mine. For many years he studied psychology from the traditional viewpoint which is to identify and fix what was WRONG with the human psyche. However, since then he has conducted a lot of research into how we can increase our happiness and what happens on an individual, collective and political level when we do.
Like many of you, I was tired on Friday evening after a long week of work. I was sewing the badges onto Luca’s new Cubs sweater and put on Youtube to watch a lecture that Seligman gave in London in May of this year as part of his actionforhappiness campaign. More details can be found here: www.actionforhappiness.org
At the end of the lecture he read the quote above from an Indian Raja and hearing this Luca piped up “That’s what I want to see in the world!” I have to admit I was pretty impressed by his ability to multi-task as he also happened to be playing Minecraft at the same time. It is amazing how children can soak in everything about them.
The ideas expressed in the Raja’s quote might be dismissed as “naive” and “utopian” but I think that we can all take something away from this wise Raja. Our ability to focus on what we do want rather than what we don’t is paramount to our mental well-being. Refusing to focus on all that is wrong in the world, let us nurture and grow what is right.
This week, I ask you to do one simple thing – every time you find something you are less than happy with choose instead to focus on what is already good about the situation. If you have any challenges or problems, big or small, focus on the solution and the desired outcome rather that what could have or should have happened.
By following this principle of positive psychology, you may not necessarily create a utopia or irrigate all of India but you will have made a decision to use the daily opportunity to be the very best person you can be and to make your small corner of the world as positive as possible for those who inhabit it. create your own utopia
Many thanks for subscribing to the Positive Pause. If you enjoy these posts please encourage your friends and family to subscribe by sharing using the links below.
Please also check out my online, self-help programme, The Positive Habit which is receiving five-star reviews from subscribers who have completed the course.
I regularly do yoga and if I have a spare ten minutes I’ll stick on a YouTube video (one of my favourites is Tara Stiles). The feeling I get after I have stretched my body into all sorts of bizarre shapes is one of openness and connection that benefits me greatly. It’s my way of connecting to myself. Open up to Someone You Love
This week I was asked do a radio interview with the very open-minded and charming Nicky Byrne in RTE 2FM. I was excited to have the opportunity to speak about my work in a supportive and interested environment. Any chance that I get to reach and help people I always grab with both hands. The interview went really well and I got the message across to the best of my ability.
However, after the initial high of the interview I felt an unfamiliar low. I had this uncomfortable feeling of tightness in my chest so I did my yoga, practiced my mediation, listened to my self-hypnosis and while all of these things helped, it became clear to me that I needed to talk to someone to help me figure out why the feeling persisted. On Wednesday evening when the sun was just setting I went for a walk with my very supportive and caring husband and I opened up to him about this unwelcome low I was experiencing after the initial exhilaration of doing the interview. This really helped and gave me an incredible feeling of release similar to when I do yoga. Also the tension in my chest literally dissipated. The outcome of our chat was that I realised I had put myself under a bit too much pressure to get my message across; I hadn’t found out until late Monday that I was to go on live radio the next morning and so I had very little time to prepare.
This week and of course at any time in the future, if you feel tension building in you, please use your own self-help techniques to alleviate the tension. If this is still not enough then, if you can, open up to someone you love, someone who will listen without judging or interrupting! I realise that most of us don’t wish to burden others with our troubles and while this undoubtedly stems from altruism, by not talking about what is on out minds we indirectly, negatively affect those we love; often we can become irritable or withdrawn and our tension affects others. By contrast, talking about issues and sharing your concerns is like opening a window in stuffy room – everything feels fresher and lighter again. Talking honestly also brings you closer to the person you have confided in.
If you wish to listen to the podcast of my interview on 2FM please click here. I hope that my passion and message is clear: you are the master of your mind.
I now have a big, mental, sticky note that says: ” Be kind to yourself, you are doing great,” and next time something comes up at short notice I will make sure to refer to this note. I recommend you do the same for anything that challenges you beyond the normal.
Many thanks for subscribing to the Positive Pause. If you enjoy these posts please encourage your friends and family to subscribe by sharing using the links below.
Please also check out my online, self-help programme, The Positive Habit which is receiving five star reviews from subscribers who have completed the course.
I have a small wooden chair that I’ve had ever since I was very young. In fact, I think my parents bought it for my sister before I was born. They got it in France and somehow it has moved around with me all of my adult life.
During the week, between clients, I caught sight of the small chair lying in the middle of the rug. The chair is a relic of the past but also very much part of my life today as I still use this chair all the time, in fact, I’m sitting on it now. It’s perfect for meditating, drying my hair and writing! However, something about the empty chair struck a chord with me about how certain items we have had for many years carry an abundance of mixed memories.
A lot of the work I do with my clients is about helping people to become friends with themselves, to be kinder to themselves and to care for and nurture the best that is in them; often it is past hurtful experiences that stop them from doing just that. Most of the time these experiences are not in our conscious awareness but they are present in the decisions and behaviours we exhibit.
Like many people, though not all thankfully, I have had certain experiences in my past that I am not proud of; relationships that have gone wrong, things I wish I hadn’t done or said, silly mistakes made in the tumultuous teenage years. Thankfully, I have come to terms with these things and have no regrets realising that both the negative and the abundance of positive experiences have shaped who I am today.
It struck me while looking at the little chair, that becoming friends with your past is fundamental to becoming friends with your present and truly being able to let the best of you shine through in the now. You are only defined by your past if you choose to be. becoming friends with yourself
This week, consider how your past impacts on you today and consciously let go of anything that could be holding you back. Having buckets of compassion for yourself and anyone who may have hurt you will help you on this journey to nurturing the most important relationship in your life- the one you have with yourself.
Practise using the power of your imagination with this positive visualisation
‘I‘ve had lots of worries in my life, most of which have never happened.’
Mark Twain
Negative thinking is a habit and habits can be broken. Negative self-talk (the inner critic) is often a habit of which we are not even aware.
By watching your thoughts, you can learn a lot about how your mind operates and the effect your thoughts have on your feelings and ultimately on how you behave. When you tell yourself that you have no energy, or that you are fed up, stressed and frustrated then that is what you will feel. Does this sound familiar? Please note that this is not your fault; the brain has a strong negative bias that is linked to our early survival instincts. Read more here…
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In the midst of a busy life of dealing with our many responsibilities, it can be hard to connect to that part of you that knows what it’s like to be carefree and has a desire to focus only on fun, playing and laughing.
